


Monster

by Dead_walking



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: But there are some mentions of traumatic events in the past, M/M, Magnus centered, Magnus is strong, No graphic mentions of torture, a moment of weakness, but we all have moments of weakness, this was difficult to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 10:18:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11183046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dead_walking/pseuds/Dead_walking
Summary: This isn't the first time Magnus looks up to see everyone staring back at him with hatred, yet somehow, it cuts deeper than before, bringing up emotions he long since thought he'd made peace with.





	Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Magnus is a survivor, he wouldn't have made it this far if he wasn't, but we all have moments of weakness, and this is one of this.
> 
> Talk to be about Magnus or Malec on tumblr: http://the-roci.tumblr.com

_Are you certain? Summoning a demon this powerful could be lethal._   

_Stupid warlock._

Everything has a price. It’s a lesson Magnus learned the first time he lashed out with his magic, a burst of orange ripped from fingertips that once created shining silhouettes of butterflies in the middle of the night. He didn't see the light overtake his stepfather, but he heard the screams as he emerged from water that he was certain was going to consume him, just as his magic was consuming the man that once kissed him goodnight. 

Magnus doesn’t know how far he ran before collapsing from the weight of what he’d done, but he remembers blisters, raw and bleeding, covering the length of his feet, burrowing inside him until the pain mixed with his fear, exhaustion, and guilt. Magnus can't remember how long he shook with convulsions until he faded from consciousness, but he remembers the taste of sick in the pit of his stomach when he woke, along with the cutting disappointment that he even woke at all. 

It's the same palpable taste of bile that's now lining his throat, making every swallow thick and uncomfortable. And while the shackles have been removed, and gone is the hot and clammy feeling of sweat caught between the leather of his muzzle and skin that shouldn't be his, Magnus swears he can't breathe. 

Bound in both body and mind, he tries to sink deep into himself until he can grasp onto something familiar, anything that's solid and real and _him_ , but there's no trace of the comforting buzz of his magic, just an endless and dark vastness where his heart should be and the fear that every second he spends anchored in this body brings hims closer to loosing himself here.  

Almost instantly, Magnus feels the renewed urge to pound at the glass of his cell, to yell until his voice is frayed at the edges because he's worked too hard to lose everything he's created of himself. He refuses to lose it, not like this, not to Azazel, and certainly not to Valentine. 

Everything has a price, and now he pays for his decision to summon Azazel, even if he can still feel the same pull of curiosity that tugged on his sleeve when Alec first showed him the ashes. Because as much as he wanted to help Isabelle, he can't deny the itch that settled just under his skin, a twitch that wanted a face and a name, he wanted-

-nothing. At least nothing that he can freely admit, not even to himself, not even in the confines of an empty cell, with a silence so thick  and encompassing that he can't escape it. But he can't escape the truth, or the body of a man who killed hundreds of Magnus' own, because as stupid as it was summoning a prince of Hell, it's the closest Magnus has come to finding pieces of himself that have remained just out of reach for centuries. 

Everything has a price, Magnus feels it the moment his hope falls to the floor, shattering at the feet of his lover when Alec sneers at him with disdain.

"You're disgusting," Alec says, just as easily as his mother once called him a monster.

And just like Magnus wanted to reach for her, to tuck himself under her chin so she could hum him to sleep like it was all a bad dream, he now wants to reach for Alec. To feel the pull of fingers as Alec wraps himself around Magnus and reassures him that everything will be okay, but it's too late for that, and all he feels is the cool bite of glass separating them and the fear that there may be no coming back from this. 

"Please don't say that," Magnus says before he can think better of it. Because he feels the emptiness inside him growing, chilling the bits of himself that were ready to pound on his cell until his fists were bleeding. "Not you, not after everything-"

"Enough." Shoulders hunched like a vulture with claws ready to tear him apart, Magnus realizes that Alec won't believe him and that hurts more than the thought of execution. 

Everything has a price. 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally intended for this to be something longer, but I wanted to get something out before the new episode. Magnus deserves the world and it's going to be insanely hard watching him go through this.


End file.
